My Life As Mrs. Moore

Where do you turn when your back is against the wall while your husband’s life is hanging on by a thread?

It’s September 24, 2012 at 10:46pm and I’m completing an online nutrition exam before the 11pm deadline. I glance up and to my left is my husband stumbling into our bedroom. As I rushed to my feet I asked, “Are you able to control the shaking?” His reply of “no” was followed by continued shaking. He’s weak to the point of barely speaking and his voice is so light I can hardly hear him whisper. My mind is wandering on the fastest route to the hospital and why did I just watch him have a mild seizure in our bedroom. The sweet aroma of lavender and vanilla always filled our room but not on this night. On this night it was filled with the smell of sickness and my husband was unable to control himself. He’s always been a very healthy man and was an advocate for personal fitness.

At the beginning of September Brandon thought he was bit by a spider at our neighborhood park. When we went to the urgent care he was simply treated with antibiotics and after 2 more visits we were recommended to the womb clinic. But tonight was a turn for the worse as I carried him to the car. As my mind was racing to drive him to the hospital I couldn’t help but wonder what was happening to him. I started thinking of prayers and thoughts of healing for him as he moaned next to me. When we arrived at the hospital he was too weak to walk so I wheeled him into the waiting area.

Thankfully, we only had to wait 15 minutes to be seen, and once the nurse asked him the typical questions of his family medical history such as cancer, diabetes, HIV, or allergies he was admitted. However, the growth on his calf kept growing and became discolored as each day went by. As the hours of the night go by I am constantly praying that God heals him of his sickness. The doctors are puzzled at why his kidneys are now at 50% use and at age 31 his health is slowly declining.

As I contacted family members and friends I realized that tonight was about to become a moment that would change our marriage. Minutes become hours that turn into the next day of September 25th. I’m now sitting on the side of the bed with the man I vowed for better or for worse, for sickness and in health, and to honor for always. Here we are as he is fighting for his life on a breathing machine as tubes are entering his body from every angle. He looks up at me as he pulls the mask from his face and tells me I’m the love of his life as I said the same to him. I asked, “Is it time?” and he looks at the right corner of his room. He replies, “Kim its time”. I told him I would prepare my heart for what’s next. We embraced and that was again one of those moments I felt stood still in my life. Then as he is taken for more tests another seizure occurs and they have to work twice as hard this time to stabilize him.

As I’m standing outside of his room with my best friend Miranda I allow family and friends to visit. Then I’m approached by the lead team physician who asks to speak with me in private. I assure him that my best friend is a medical professional and anything he says she will explain if I do not comprehend. He said, “Mrs. Moore I will be very straight forward with you about your husband.” I looked at my best friend and I knew at that point there was no turning back.

Then the words came from his lips, “Your husband is HIV positive and the treatments we have been giving him are for someone with a healthier immune system”. My heart literally dropped. I asked that his mother be able to receive the news from the medical staff and that I needed a room to myself. One of my requests was to know when he contracted the virus. Those 15 minutes alone felt like several hours and I wanted to just sleep away the pain. I felt every emotion in that room from hurt, anger, disappointment, betrayal, love, patience, forgiveness, and understanding.

After the tears disappeared and the prayers were made I heard a clear, but soft voice in my ear saying to walk in his room and forgive him for past, present, and for what’s to come. So I opened the door wearing my NCCU collegiate hoodie and I walked into my husband’s room to find him in an unconscious state. It’s September 25th and I’m holding his hand telling him how I forgive him. How his presence in my life will forever be remembered. God had given me peace about my husband transitioning and I knew there would be more to endure as he departed this life to eternity. He was my high school sweetheart, dear friend, spiritual prayer mate, and my husband of 11 months. We’ve known each other since childhood but it was time to say our farewells. So as the doctors discussed the outcome of him living with HIV. How just the mere thought of him living for 8 years without treatment was remarkable, they also consoled me and informed me that he was indeed dying.

It’s September 26, 2012 at 6:45pm and I’m in his room with family and my best friend, having to remove my husband off of life support. If you’ve been in the position to be the deciding factor of a loved one being removed from life support you can empathize with my sorrow. The selfish heart wanted to hold on to see him blink, move his limbs, or breathe on his own. However, he was already gone when it came time to let go of my beloved. It was bittersweet because he was now free from sickness and the judgments of this world. Still, I missed him even before he left. We had reached that moment where I transitioned as well from wife to widow.

The months ahead brought on heartache and pain from the feelings of loss as well as betrayal. Even though we went through testing prior to our marriage my husband was not honest with me. Now almost a year later I have endured many life challenges and tests. Not only in my marriage but with my health as well; which is why I am thankful daily to God for sparing my life. I am proud to say I am living HIV free but I am even more proud to help others in my community that are living with or affected by the virus.

Through the death of my husband came the rebirth of Kimberly M. Knight to be a voice. Brandon is why I am so passionate for this cause because no one deserves to die alone or live in secret because they had no one to talk to. Mrs. Kimberly M. Moore was a woman of great strength, dignity, grace, and beauty. She valued her marriage and honored her husband even after death. She’s truly my alter ego and has taught me the value of loving another human being as God has intended. I recalled my vows and leaned on my faith to endure the “what’s to come”. It was simply finding my peace in God, prayers of loved ones, and sound counsel that led to my healing process. Now as I move forward as a motivational speaker, writer, and HIV Activist, I go back to the forgiveness I expressed for my husband in his hospital room. I remember that my purpose is to encourage a “Brandon” and to offer assured inspiration to a “Kimberly”. This article is dedicated to all things substantial such as unconditional love, honor, and forgiveness.

By Kimberly M. Knight
Guest Writer